I Am Really, Really Fucking Tired
By Landon Funk
I am going to be transparent – I’m tired. Not like I just had a tough workout and want to sit down and hydrate (but I low key probably do need to hydrate). Not like it’s 1 AM and my dog decides that he needs to paw at his collar two inches away from my face. The kind of tired that leaves you feeling depleted, like the thought of doing anything other than binge watch SVU and eat Kroger brand peanut butter filled pretzels is draining. That is the kind of tired I am.
If you know me, you know that I am not only a chronic overachiever but also an anxiety zombie. While my anxiety does lead to my self-proclaimed over-achievement, it also leaves me feeling depleted. For example, I was prepared to start on a big project this afternoon. Instead, I turned on SVU and took down my Christmas decorations, posed selfies for an hour (why? I have no idea.), drew and submerged myself in a hot bath, and scrolled through Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, and occasionally LinkedIn for way too long. I did everything I could possibly think of to put off that big project.
Because starting something that seems monstrous is overwhelming. I am convinced that even the laziest person thinks that they are the busiest person in the world and has a million reasons not to do what they are “supposed” to do. When I was a kid, this feeling of dread infused with procrastination was synonymous to the word “adult.” What if it just meant that we are tired? And that being tired is one hundred percent okay.
A common problem that a lot of people face, millennials and Gen Z’ers especially, is our addiction to ideas, platforms, images, and everything in between that feed our anxiety. Our anxiety is what makes us tired because we are constantly comparing ourselves to other people, believing that we will never have an original thought or idea of our own – and that thought is really fucking scary when all you do from age four through twenty-two is learn about people created and revolutionized the world and its motley crew of cultures. I don’t know about you, but I am really fucking tired of playing this comparison game.
I spend way too much time looking at other feminist blogs and female icons and thinking, “Wow, they have got it all figured out. How can I emulate their success?” That. Is. The. Wrong. Thought. From here on out, I promise you, dear reader, that I will think, “Wow, those platforms and women are amazing! I will one day join them, and I will get there by being as authentic and true to my soul as I can.” Does that sound good?
I am not sure if this new thought will make me less tired, but I do know that after using the mantra, “I am loved. I am supported. I am worthy of love and support” over the past few days that I really do feel loved, supported, and worthy of love and support. It is truly amazing what repetition can do for the brain. Call me Abigail Williams because I am starting to believe my own words.
Maybe, just maybe, I will not be so tired anymore if I stop exerting so much effort trying to be someone else. What would happen if I stood in my shoes and was proud to be authentically Landon? I am not too sure, and that hypothetical makes my anxiety creep up even as I am typing this. Yes, I have anxiety. Yes, I am tired. But neither one of those two issues has to define who I am.
So if you’ll excuse me, I have some SVU to watch and some peanut butter pretzels to eat.