This Vaginal Serum Will Make You Happy As A Clam

OSEA Malibu - Solutions for Every Skin Type

By Landon Funk

I wanted to masturbate in the tub before I wrote this article. So, I did. I got the warm water running, peppermint Epsom salt poured in, and porn pulled up on my phone. Now, that is living. 

Part of the reason why masturbating was so important to me was because after I have sex, masturbate, and shower, I use a hemp oil afterwards to make my vagina feeling – well- tingly and refreshed. Specifically, I use Quim’s Happy Clam Everyday Oil that is designed to keep my quim (quim is another word for vagina, cunt, vulva, and, you guessed it, taboo) happy, healthy, and moisturized. 

Although it is suggested to use three to five pumps of the oil in a single use, I only use one. My vagina is hella small, and I was dripping from my vulva onto my underwear on my first use. I got it together on my second go around and used a single pump on my finger, using said finger to rub the Happy Clam Everyday Oil into my vulva and clitoris. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “That shit has UTI written all over it.” Which is fair because that was my first thought too. I am the self-dubbed UTI Queen, and I promise you this serum does not and will not give you a UTI. That’s how next level this stuff is.

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Picture this: your partner has just unloaded a major amount of cum into your vagina – or you just spent the past thirty minutes being penetrated by plastic. Your vagina does not feel comfortable. It stings. It feels loose. You desperately need to go to the bathroom to avoid a UTI but have little to no control over your uterus because it is still coming down from your orgasm. You grab for Happy Clam, and immediately your vagina feels significantly better. Quite the thought, right? 

Well, it doesn’t have to be a thought. It can be your reality. Within seconds of application, you will start to feel this vaginal serum start to work. The CBD relaxes your muscles in a way that makes them easier to access – rather than that struggle bus after you orgasm. When I first used it, I noticeably felt my muscles “unclench,” something I didn’t even think I was doing. But my favorite part of the oil has to be the tea tree oil – that’s what gives your vagina that “tingle” I talked about earlier. Tea tree is one of my absolute favorite essential oils and always has a calming effect on me, so the combination of the tea tree and the CBD makes this mmm-mmm-mmm good. Quim also includes damiana, violet, and apricot kernel oil in their Happy Clam Everyday Oil as well. 

Damiana is a plant known for its aphrodisiac (helllooooo vibrator) properties whose use dates back to Mayan civilization. It has been used to help increase sexual arousal and reduce vaginal dryness. On a similar yet different page, violet has historically been used topically as a circulatory stimulant, as well as to soothe dry or chaffed skin. And finally, apricot kernel oil contains gamma linoleic acid which can help support skin health. It also contains Vitamin A and E and is known to help soothe irritated skin. 

The conclusion? Quim’s Happy Clam Everyday Oil is made to make you, your vulva, your cunt, your quim feel better and more relaxed. Every ingredient was chosen with care for the consumer unlike most modern vaginal serums. As the Queen of UTIs and a sensitive vagina-haver, I promise you that Quim will change your life. Hands down and without a doubt, you simply have to try this one. 


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