I Hated Myself For Being Bisexual

By Xhamla Mjekula

I grew up in a society where everything centres around love, we are told love is a beautiful thing, love is pure, love has no age, no race, no colour and love is a sacred bond between a man and a woman and everything else in between is NOT God made, it is man made and it’s a sin. I grew up believing being attracted to the same sex was a sin. I was surrounded by people who loved, love. People who loved the idea of love but as long as it is heterosexual love, love between a man and a woman.  I guess that’s why I hid the truth from myself for a very long time.

I knew I was bisexual but I kept denying it, telling myself maybe it’ll go away, maybe it’s something I’d outgrow as time goes by.  I was in denial not because I couldn’t handle my feelings, but because I just didn’t want to be rejected by society, by my family and friends. So I did what most people usually do in these situations, supress my feelings and pretend like there’s nothing going. What I did not know was, you cannot run away from your sexuality, it’s who and what you are. It is the way you were born and no amount of prayer and holy water can change that.

It took me 8 years to finally admit to myself that I’m attracted to both men and women, I am bisexual and I am comfortable with my truth. I was angry at the world, I was angry at the people around me for making me feel so dirty, so disgusting and ashamed of who and what I am. I was angry at myself for living a lie for so long, lying to myself because I did not want to make other people uncomfortable.

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My anger is what motivated me to become the person I am today, this person who is comfortable with who and what she is. sexuality is a very complex thing, it goes deeper than what’s on the surface. You can spend your entire life looking for a cure or treatment but the truth is, you can never escape yourself because sexuality isn’t a choice it’s who and what you are, it’s like breathing, you can’t choose when to stop breathing. It is human nature. You cannot just roll out of bed one day and decide to stop being gay, bisexual, pansexual or whatever.  

We spend our lives pretending like our thoughts and feelings don’t exist, sometimes we’d rather sabotage ourselves and the chance of finding true happiness because we are terrified of what people might say or think. What I learned was, people reject and fear what they don’t understand. Most people are against homosexuality because they don’t understand what it is. they lack knowledge and exposure. We need to teach people that homosexuality is more than girls kissing girls. It’s more complex than that. Homosexuality has been around for ages and people are evolving but some people still need to listen, learn, understand, ask and maybe a little knowledge can help them with accepting that homosexuality is not a sin. God loves all his children whether they are gay, straight, bi, trans God loves each and everyone, and people should stop using God or the bible to spread hate.